“I identify as” X has become a modern catchphrase. It generally elicits a laugh, as if there were some other way to verbally indicate one’s affinity for a particular classification. The trouble with relying on nonverbal methods, of course, is that not all classifications have readily available merch, and there are only so many quick gestures. However, the trouble with relying on verbal methods is that not all classifications have names.

“So you’re a baseball fan, eh? Which team do you like?” Well, none of them; I admire the game itself. If this strikes you as an unusual answer, take note that “I’m not a football fan” does imply that I dislike the game itself. Our language itself doesn’t enable false dichotomies, but the subtext we attach to certain phrases (including, by and large, identification phrases) definitely encodes some either-ors that have no basis in reality.

I do not identify as a liberal, nor as a conservative. You might think this means I’m apolitical, but that’s not true either. The modern liberal is obsessed with what should be happening and, from all I can gather, seems to feel that vehemently stating “X is unfair” is an accomplishment on par with actually preventing X from taking place. The modern conservative, by contrast, prefers to pretend that what they want to be true is, in fact, true. Both stances are delusional and quite incompatible with reality. Yet they’re the only two teams in the league.

Somebody a lot smarter than me once said (and I’m paraphrasing) that a great way to give people the illusion of free thought, while actually severely restricting their thought, is to encourage lively debate among a few carefully limited options. While I agree 100%, I doubt that any global conspiracy is smart enough to have maneuvered the human species into its current position; I reckon we just lucked into it out of our own capacity for narrow-mindedness. And I don’t meet too many folks with any desire, much less intent, to kick out the side of the box.

I identify as me.