Adam Dunn stepped up to the plate 8328 times in his major league career. He hit 462 home runs, earned 1317 walks, and struck out 2379 times. Add those last three numbers up, and you’ll see that in 49.9% of Dunn’s plate appearances, the only people who touched the ball were the opposing pitcher and catcher.

This makes Adam Dunn the most boring baseball player of all time.

I know, lots of people say baseball is boring. These people are stupid. And as time goes by, they’re becoming more and more correct.

People who say baseball is boring generally mean (as near as I can make sense of their attempt to communicate) that there is too much time in between plays, with no shiny objects to hold their attention. To a degree, this is true — and that’s the fault of advertisers, rulemakers, umpires, and players, not the game itself. When played well (as I sometimes see it played by children) baseball is darn hard to keep up with, whether you’re watching or playing. Professional baseball, and especially Major League ball, is becoming more and more of a snoozefest for a completely different reason.

I don’t mean to single out Adam Dunn. He’s just the best example I could find of a trend that’s permeating the whole pro game. Walks, strikeouts, and home runs can be pivotal, exciting moments — but not if there are three of each per inning. The infielders and outfielders used to be out there for a reason. In 1920, about 13% of all MLB plate appearances ended in a walk, strikeout, or home run. In 2020, that rate was about 36%.

There are two reasons for this, I think. One is that your run-of-the-mill baseball fan likes to see home runs. Isn’t it cool to see somebody belt one out of the park? Or rather, wasn’t it cool back when the expectation was that a hitter might actually contact the baseball and not hit a homer or super-long foul? (Adam Dunn got a non-homer base hit a paltry 1169 times over 14 seasons.) The powers that be keep making the ball as lively as they dare in the belief that home runs put butts in the seats. And maybe they used to.

You know what’s really exciting? Triples. You’ve got to power the ball into a good spot in the outfield, then zip around the bases while the defense fires the ball towards third. Edge-of-your-seat sports almost every time. Let’s see … how many triples did Dunn hit in his career? Ten.

The other, more important reason “three-true-outcome” baseball is on the rise is that pitchers are changing the way they pitch. You’ll notice I didn’t say “pitchers are getting better.” They aren’t. A pitcher’s job is to prevent enemy hitters from scoring runs. Pitchers are getting worse, but they look way better than they used to; their deliveries have an awesome amount of velocity and/or movement … until they hurt their arms and new blood is rushed up from Triple-A.

Earl Weaver (Hall of Fame manager and horrific human being) famously said “In baseball, you can’t kill the clock. You’ve got to give the other guy his chance. That’s why this is the greatest game.” I agree wholeheartedly. He also said “The key to winning baseball games is pitching, fundamentals [probably meaning defense], and three-run homers.” Quotable, but in order to hit a three-run homer you first have to get two men on base at the same time somehow. (Dunn’s 462 HR came with only 1168 RBI and a measly 1097 runs. Compare that to, say, Chipper Jones’s 468 HR with 1623 RBI and 1619 runs. Last time I checked, scoring runs are a leading cause of winning games.)

A home run is a tension-killer: it clears the bases, freeing the pitcher from being harassed by enemy baserunners (and freeing the infielders to shift, at least until the 2023 rule change). Empty base paths are boring. Coming to the plate with a teammate in scoring position, and choosing among all sorts of clever ways to drive him in plus the possibility of a wild pitch or passed ball? Not boring.

To me, the most exciting plays on the diamond are web gems. Infield web gems are always beautiful, as are some outfield defensive plays. Generally the excitement comes from ground balls and line drives, not towering popouts or flyouts. One web gem that we could all do with a little less of, in particular, is the outfielder running back to the wall to rob yet another power hitter of yet another home run. It takes skill. It’s fun to see once or twice a week. After that it’s boring.

My point: I am an aging out-of-touch unless we do something about it, baseball is going to be really boring in the years to come. And there is hope.

We need more pitchers like Richard Bleier. In 2017 Bleier only struck out 3.7 batters per 9 innings (the league average was 8.3), yet allowed only 1.99 earned runs per 9 innings (the league average was 4.35). It can be done! How? Well, 69% of batters who faced Bleier in 2017 ended up hitting a ground ball. Over his seven-year career, Bleier has issued a walk to 4% of the batters he’s faced (league average: 8.5%), given up a homer 1.5% of the time (league average: 3.2%), and struck ’em out 13.8% of the time (more than, say, Walter Johnson’s 12.9% but well below 2016-2022 league average 22.3%). Perhaps most tellingly, with 2 outs and a runner in scoring position, Bleier has faced 168 batters and never given up a home run. Way to go, kid. Get ’em to put the ball on the ground.

And we need more hitters like Luis Arráez. In parts of four seasons with the Twins, Arráez has hit .314 with only 14 homers but 216 runs scored and 137 RBI. It can be done! How? Well, over 144 games in 2022, he struck out only 7% of the time he came to the plate (handily leading the majors). And get this: when he swung at a pitch that year, he made contact 94.1% of the time (again leading the majors). Oh, and he already has 8 career triples. Way to go, kid. Give the fielders something to do.

I’ve played and watched enough baseball to be able to appreciate it for the mentally stimulating athletic contest it once was, still is at the lowest levels of play, and can be again. The trick, it turns out, is to use the bases.