All my life I have giddily known nothing about advertising. In the last two weeks, as I have decided my best bet moving forward is to advertise the work I do, I have begun to study the field. Almost at once I’ve learned that there are two kinds of advertising, so distinct that it’s a mistake to denote them both by the same word.

It turns out (or so this novice has arrogantly concluded) that advertising a quality product is easy. Not intrinsically easy, mind you — rather, it’s something I’ve been doing for years under a different name. To advertise a quality product, you first learn as much about it as possible. Then you apply a few basic principles of communication in talking about it to an interested audience. Sound familiar? It’s called education.

A product that can actually help the consumer – be it a new delightful invention, ages-old mathematical acumen, good music or art, a book with even more help inside – doesn’t need to be forced on a reluctant public. Just tell them about it. “Hey, look! This really cool thing exists! Here’s why it’s so neat.” Provided the buying public is rational (a nontrivial assumption these days), they’ll take it from there.

I do not feel bad telling people about Euclid’s Elements or Kurt Vonnegut or Baseball Bits or The Dragons of Eden. Should they so choose (and statistically, some will), they can increase the quality of their experience on Earth. This increase is substantial, although even a little is precious, and the cost to me is negligible. Therefore, I also don’t feel bad telling people about Fextonia, even though now I stand to profit by their education. So what? I think I contribute to a quality product, so we all win.

Then there’s the other kind. Imagine you took a job advertising for, say, McDonald’s. On the face of it, this sounds difficult for two reasons: not only does literally everyone on the planet already know about McDonald’s, but their food is crap. How are you going to earn that paycheck? I see only two ways: you emphasize the low price, or you deceive.

“Okay, let’s start with a happy family munching on a Quarter Pounder that’s ten times prettier than the ones we actually sell. Now these people aren’t genuinely ecstatic to be eating here, so we’ll have to hire actors who will look happy on cue. Another actor can play the non-sullen cashier. We’ll use a set, not a real restaurant, because the set is brighter and cleaner. Oh, and hire somebody to write a snappy little jingle in the background. That’ll fool ’em.” You know it has to happen, day in and day out, in some horrible little room. And it works. It works!

Blabbering on about low price can be effective too, but only if you keep enough of the population poor enough to care. That’s a viler topic for another day.

I don’t know what sort of life experience turns a bright, eager-eyed infant into this kind of advertising executive, but it’s certainly worth finding out. The only ones who benefit from such activity are the sort of people who own McDonald’s stock (think about that for a moment) and the advertisers themselves. The money they rake in is being raked away from social problems that will remain unsolved.

Advertising a quality product is education. Advertising crap is not merely reprehensible, not merely greed — it’s destruction.